My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Randomize
