I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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