Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
