who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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