All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
