nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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