just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
