i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
