Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
