Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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