Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
