gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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