If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
