It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
