he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
