i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
