Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
