hell yes lets make some ravioli
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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