areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
