it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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