i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
