did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
