FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
