dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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