If that was your dad, he is hot
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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