what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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