you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
