Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
