Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
