i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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