My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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