Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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