I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
