im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
