i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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