EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
