what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
