I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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