Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
