i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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