Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
