T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
