Apparently you make a good broom.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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