i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize