Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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