im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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