I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
