im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize