I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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