They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
