The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
