got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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