My cat gives me a boner
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize