my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
