sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize