I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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