i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
